Ah, Jess, what a gorgeous story. I love it in first person. I love the details of the party members, the way they sound, the way you've written them, the way you let Hawke see everyone. I love the sadness she carries around like a badge of honor until she just has to let it go, the wall of strength she's built around herself, her focus on Fenris and wanting but not wanting him, yet always really wanting him, her repeated wish for her sister. I like how the walls of the city are echoed in her, and your attention to the details and mechanisms of the game - you focused on the things that in my mind make it come alive, and did it beautifully.